the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
