OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
