Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
