I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
