u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
