And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
