i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
