It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
