i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
