I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We don't watch enough power rangers
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
