I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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