did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
