Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
