Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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