If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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