every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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