saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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