Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
