You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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