The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
