Just cropdusted the office
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
