hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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