Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
