woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
