My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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