she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
