OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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