I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
