okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize