So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
