my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
