just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
