if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
