You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize