What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
