I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
