Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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