Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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