well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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