anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
