like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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