Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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