My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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