What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
