She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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