Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
