I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
