He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
