but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
