I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
