This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
