She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
