Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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