wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
