I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
