see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
