im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
