One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
